Over the past two decades, one of the greatest privileges of my work has been facilitating Assertive Communication programs for organisations across Australia, Asia and, more recently, through the University of Sydney Centre for Continuing Education.
Every program teaches me something new.
Not simply about communication.
But about people.
Over the years, I’ve come to realise something.
Most people don’t actually struggle with communication.
They struggle with permission.
Permission to disagree.
Permission to say no.
Permission to ask for help.
Permission to express a different opinion.
Permission to set healthy boundaries.
For much of my own life, I was a people pleaser.
I avoided conflict. I worried about disappointing others. Somewhere along the way, I’d confused being agreeable with being kind.
Looking back now, I realise they aren’t the same thing.
Too often, I was trading authenticity for approval.
The irony is that none of us were born this way.
As infants, we didn’t apologise for being hungry. We didn’t hesitate to let the world know when we were uncomfortable. We simply expressed our needs.
Somewhere along the journey, many of us learnt different patterns.
Some became passive.
Others became aggressive.
Some mastered passive-aggressive behaviour.
Only a few learnt the delicate balance of assertiveness.
One participant shared something recently that has stayed with me.
She was relatively new to a management role and spoke with remarkable honesty.
“Everyone keeps telling me I need to communicate more. I’m overwhelmed. I’m still learning the role. I’ve started losing sleep, and now every time my phone buzzes with another work message, I feel stressed.”
Her challenge wasn’t really communication.
Nor was it competence.
It was emotional bandwidth.
It reminded me that before we can communicate effectively with others, we often need to understand what’s happening within ourselves.
That’s why I’ve come to believe that assertiveness isn’t simply a communication technique.
It’s an expression of self-respect and respect for others.
It begins long before the conversation itself.
It begins with our beliefs.
Do I genuinely believe my needs matter?
Do I believe other people’s needs matter equally?
Do I believe disagreement can strengthen a relationship rather than damage it?
When those beliefs are in place, the skills become much easier to develop.
Self-awareness.
Emotional regulation.
Empathy.
Listening.
Influencing.
Negotiating.
Giving and receiving feedback.
Navigating manipulative behaviour.
Setting healthy boundaries.
None of these are really about “winning”.
They’re about creating the conditions for both people to flourish.
One of the most rewarding parts of facilitating these workshops isn’t watching people become more confident communicators.
It’s watching them become more authentic versions of themselves.
They discover they can say “no” without feeling guilty.
Give feedback without attacking.
Receive feedback without becoming defensive.
Hold difficult conversations without sacrificing compassion.
Just two weeks ago, I had the privilege of facilitating another wonderful group through the University of Sydney Centre for Continuing Education. Here’s the wonderful group I had the privilege of learning alongside.
Thank you to this wonderful group for your openness, trust and willingness to learn from one another. You taught me as much as I hope I contributed to you.
What struck me most wasn’t the role plays.
It was what happened between them.
Over two days, complete strangers became a team.
They encouraged one another.
Shared vulnerabilities.
Practised difficult conversations.
Celebrated one another’s growth.
It reminded me that psychological safety isn’t created by avoiding difficult conversations.
It’s created by learning how to have them well.
Perhaps that’s why I no longer see assertiveness as simply a workplace skill.
I see it as a life skill.
Because the way we advocate for ourselves shapes every relationship we have.
At work.
At home.
With friends.
With family.
Even the relationship we have with ourselves.
How we communicate ultimately shapes not only what we achieve…
…but who we become.
Perhaps assertiveness isn’t about finding our voice at all.
Perhaps it’s about giving ourselves permission to use it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
When in your own life have you found it hardest to be assertive?
